My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
