pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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