I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
