Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
