I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
