i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
