Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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