So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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