allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
