did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
