she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Blood and glitter go together right?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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