everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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