Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
