I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize