Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
