im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
