so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
