meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
