Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
