the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
