I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
