I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
