I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
