He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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