She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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