Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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