Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
