Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
