OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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