I think im going to throw up on grandma
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
