... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
