Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
