Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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