How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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