no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
