I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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