So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
