Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
