so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
