i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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