My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize