Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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