I'm pants shitting drunk right now
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
