someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
