sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
