a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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