can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Randomize
