Kiss
Puke
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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