Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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