I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
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Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
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So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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