Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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