I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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