I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
