she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
