I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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