Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
