everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
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He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize