How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
